Unrequited Love: When the Feelings Aren't Mutual and Letting Go Feels Impossible

Unrequited love is one of the most painful experiences we can face in relationships. It’s when your feelings are deep, authentic and vulnerable, yet the other person either doesn’t reciprocate or pulls away. This can create a profound sense of longing, confusion, and frustration, leaving you stuck in an emotional tug-of-war that seems impossible to resolve.

Unrequited love is not only a challenging emotional experience but can be seen as  an opportunity to examine how we form connections with others and what it means to truly show up in a relationship. In Gestalt therapy, we focus on contact—the process of engaging with another person in an authentic, present-moment way. This requires vulnerability, risk and the ability to stay emotionally open. When the other person pulls away, especially in a way that feels sudden or confusing, the contact remains unresolved, leaving us in emotional limbo.

In this article, I’ll explore the emotional complexities of unrequited love, how attachment styles can shape our expectations and behaviours in relationships and why letting go of someone you care about can be so difficult. Especially when it feels like they have never truly "shown up" emotionally for you.

The Gestalt View: Contact and Unfinished Business

In Gestalt therapy, the concept of unfinished business is a central theme. Unfinished business refers to emotional experiences that are unresolved, often stemming from past relationships or experiences. These unresolved feelings can linger and manifest as unfinished conversations, unmet needs, or unsaid words. When you experience unrequited love it can feel like a shocking jolt into reality, an experience that feels like you are hanging in the air—there’s something unexpressed, unfulfilled and unacknowledged. It leaves you in a state of tension and longing, as you try to reach the other person but are met with distance or avoidance.

In a healthy relationship, both parties make contact with each other, meaning they are emotionally available and responsive. But when the other person pulls away or is unable (or unwilling) to meet you where you are emotionally, you’re left with a sense of emptiness, as if the connection was never fully realised. This can leave you questioning what went wrong, what you could have done differently, or why they aren’t responding to your emotional availability.

The Struggle to Let Go: Why It’s So Hard

Letting go of unrequited love is incredibly difficult, especially when your emotional investment feels so intense. There’s often a sense of potential that keeps you hooked. You might think, If only I can show them how much I care, they’ll realise they feel the same way or If I just wait long enough, maybe they’ll come around. This kind of hope can create an emotional loop, where the person is mentally and emotionally present to you, even if they aren’t physically or verbally reciprocating.

From a Gestalt perspective, this can be understood as a failure to complete the cycle of contact. You’re still holding on to a piece of the relationship that never truly existed. The unrequited feelings remain, unresolved and without closure. To heal and move on, you need to complete the cycle by facing the truth of the situation - acknowledging that the other person may not feel the same way and that the relationship, in its current form, is not able to provide what you need emotionally.

Attachment Styles: How They Shape Our Relationships

Our early experiences with caregivers deeply influence the way we form connections in adulthood. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, identifies different attachment styles that describe how we relate to others in close relationships. These styles can play a key role in why someone might pull away when you are trying to connect emotionally.

• Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to establish healthy, balanced relationships. They are emotionally available and responsive to their partner's needs.

• Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and validation from others. They may struggle with feelings of insecurity and fear rejection, which can create an overwhelming sense of longing when their affections are not returned.

• Avoidant Attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and self-sufficiency. They may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and avoid vulnerability. They might withdraw or create distance when someone seeks a deeper connection, as emotional intimacy feels threatening to them.

An avoidantly attached person may show love in material ways—through actions like providing gifts, acts of service, or even physical presence—but they may avoid engaging emotionally on a deeper level. This can be confusing for their partner, who might interpret these actions as signs of affection, only to feel hurt when emotional intimacy remains elusive. In some cases, an avoidant person may channel their emotional energy into work or other distractions, such as business, hobbies, or even addictions. These material expressions of love can feel like a substitute for the emotional connection that is actually needed to truly bond with another person.

The Danger of "Chasing" an Avoidant Partner

When you're in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it’s easy to become caught in a cycle of chasing emotional connection that the other person is either unwilling or unable to offer. Their avoidance can be mistaken for indifference, when in fact, it’s often driven by a deep-seated fear of intimacy or vulnerability. They may pull away just when you feel closest, leaving you to question your worth or value.

For those with an anxious attachment style, this dynamic can be particularly painful. The anxious person seeks closeness, while the avoidant person pushes it away, often unintentionally. This creates a push-pull pattern where the anxious partner becomes more desperate for emotional validation, while the avoidant partner pulls further into their shell. Over time, this can create an overwhelming sense of emotional imbalance, where the anxious person is left to manage their own feelings of abandonment, while the avoidant partner remains distant and disconnected.

Moving Forward: Healing and Letting Go

In the face of unrequited love, it’s important to acknowledge your own emotional needs and begin the process of healing. This may involve creating space to process the pain and disappointment of the situation, recognizing that the other person’s inability or unwillingness to connect emotionally is not a reflection of your worth. In fact, you may need to create emotional distance from the person to give yourself the space to heal and move forward.

• Self-awareness: Take time to reflect on your own attachment style and how it influences your relationships. Are you anxious or avoidant in your own way? Understanding your own emotional needs can help you make healthier choices going forward.

• Boundaries: Setting emotional boundaries is essential when dealing with someone who is unable or unwilling to meet your emotional needs. Protect your heart by understanding when it's time to let go, even when it feels like the hardest thing to do.

• Acceptance and Closure: In order to move on, you need to find a way to accept the situation for what it is. Acknowledge the emotions you’re feeling, but also honour the reality that some relationships cannot fulfill the emotional connection you long for.

Unrequited love may leave you with a sense of unfinished business, but with time, self-awareness and the right support, you can learn to heal and create space for more fulfilling and balanced relationships in the future.

Final Thought: The pain of unrequited love is not just about a lack of reciprocation. It’s about the deep sense of emotional disconnection that comes when your attempts to make contact are not met with the openness and vulnerability you need. Whether your partner is avoidantly attached, or simply not ready or able to engage on an emotional level, learning to let go and move forward is the key to finding peace - and ultimately, the authentic connections you deserve.