Vulnerable Narcissism in Relationships: Recognising the Signs

If you’ve been feeling confused, anxious, or like you’re constantly questioning your own reality, you may be dealing with a vulnerable (covert) narcissist. This lesser-known form of narcissism is subtle, emotionally destabilising, and often deeply confusing for partners, friends, and family members. Below, we explore the key signs of a covert narcissist, how this behaviour impacts your emotional wellbeing, and what healing from narcissistic abuse can look like.

Being in a relationship should feel safe, supportive, and nurturing – even if you don't alway get along with your significant other. However, for some people feelings of confusion and hurt reign strong, leaving them questioning their own reality. One type of relationship pattern that can create this emotional turbulence is being with someone who displays symptoms and behaviour associated with vulnerable narcissism, also known as covert narcissism.

Vulnerable narcissists may seem loving, attentive, and charming at times – but can also swing into anger, criticism or emotional withdrawal. This inconsistency slowly chips away at self-esteem and often leaves their partners or family members feeling lost, lonely, confused and highly anxious.

What is Vulnerable Narcissism (Covert Narcissism)?

Unlike the stereotypical "grandiose" narcissist who comes across as overtly confident and self-assured, the vulnerable narcissist appears less confident or insecure and is hypersensitive to perceived slights. Despite this, they maintain a quiet sense of entitlement which is a common thread in all narcissistic behaviour – expecting their needs to come first and using emotional volatility or charm to manipulate situations.

Behaviours and Traits of a Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist

You may notice this person:

• Alternates between warmth, charm, and love, then sudden anger or cruelty.

• Has a strong need for control.

• Is selfish.

• Appears manipulative.

• Minimises your feelings.

• Reacts strongly to even minor criticism or perceived rejection.

• Undermines your confidence subtly, often disguised as concern or advice.

• Uses guilt or silent treatment to control outcomes.

• Is often passive-aggressive leaving you feeling confused or anxious.

• Sees themselves as a victim while dismissing your feelings.

• Likes to be acknowledged in grand way for the simplest of tasks.

• Constantly seeks validation and admiration, with little reciprocity.

• Makes you question your own perceptions, creating confusion and self-doubt.

• Does not take ANY personal responsibility.

• Creates drama or arguments particularly around special occasions where they are not the center of attention (e.g. your birthday).

• Mirrors other peoples behaviour.

• Is Chameleon like, changing their personality rapidly to fit in and charm others.

• Does not appear to enjoy having fun and can feel like the "fun police" to be around.

• Acts very differently around others to how they might treat you behind closed doors.

• Can fly into Narcissistic rage easily if they feel wronged.

• "Punishes" through silent treatment or denying you access to things you need if you have upset them somehow.

• Is emotionally unavailable.

The Emotional Impact of Covert Narcissism

Being in this dynamic often leads to a complex mix of emotions, including:

• Confusion and self-doubt ("Am I overreacting? Is it really as bad as I feel?").

• Loss of confidence in your own decisions and instincts.

• Isolation from family and friends.

• Shame and emptiness after extended exposure.

• Deep loneliness.

• Hyper vigilance – your nervous system is activated as you navigate the feelings "of walking on egg shells" around this person.

• Feeling stuck in a cycle of hope, disappointment and emotional chaos.

• Wondering if you are "going crazy" or if you are narcissistic.

• Anxiety and/or Depression.

It’s important to know: the chaos is not in your head. The confusion, self-doubt, and emotional overwhelm you may be experiencing are real responses to a very destabilising dynamic. Over time, this can leave you feeling ungrounded, anxious, and unsure of yourself. Healing begins with slowly untangling these layers of shame and uncertainty, and learning to trust your own sense of reality again. The challenge lies in gently untangling the layers of self-doubt, self blame and anxiety that have built up over time and learning to trust yourself again.

If this is an intimate partner relationship, the red flags you noticed early on were signals of what was to come. Yet, these may have been masked by moments of deep connection, love-bombing and the feeling of being truly seen and cherished.

When you are with a vulnerable narcissist, it's common to feel as though you’ve found your soulmate! It's often a crushing reality to discover the dynamic you are now in and how much of yourself you’ve given away trying to hold the relationship together.

If these signs feel familiar, it may help to explore counselling for narcissistic abuse –available in-person in Brisbane and Hamilton (VIC) and through online counselling sessions across Australia.

These patterns also appear in friendships – learn how narcissism can show up between friends.

Key Traits of the Vulnerable Narcissist

• Grandiose sense of entitlement – believing their needs are paramount.

• Emotional volatility – swings from love to anger or complete withdrawal.

• Hypersensitivity – easily wounded by perceived criticism or rejection.

• Passive-aggression – subtle hostility or manipulation. Giving you the silent treatment and not explaining what this is about.

• Victim mentality – framing themselves as misunderstood while minimising your feelings.

• Need for validation – requiring constant attention, approval, or reassurance.

• NEVER taking accountability for their actions.

• Gaslighting behaviour – turning the situation back on you and leaving you doubting your own reality, sorry you brought up the subject in the first place. Gaslighting arguments can go on for hours, often with no real conclusion or repair to the relationship.

  
  

Moving From Chaos to Clarity: How Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Helps

As a Gestalt psychotherapist, I work with clients to reconnect with themselves after these relationships:

• Helping you trust your own perceptions and feelings again.

• Supporting you to rebuild self-esteem and set healthy relational boundaries.

• Guiding you through the layers of shame, loneliness, and emptiness.

• Providing tools to ground yourself, so you no longer feel trapped in confusion or chaos.

• Using gentle, evidence-informed approaches to restore emotional balance and confidence.

Recovery is about reclaiming your voice, confidence and a sense of safety within yourself.

You Deserve Clarity and Emotional Safety

Being aware of vulnerable narcissism in relationships is not about blame – it’s about empowerment. With the right support, it’s possible to move from confusion and self-doubt to clarity, self-trust, and emotional freedom.

If you’ve experienced the ups and downs of a relationship with a covert narcissist, whether that be a partner, friend, colleague or parent,  you’re not alone. A brighter future is possible, and you can reclaim a grounded, confident sense of yourself.