My Child Doesn't Want to go to School: Tips for a Better Term

As the back-to-school season rolls around, many parents feel a mix of emotions. For some, there’s excitement and relief as routines begin to settle back into place. But for others, especially those whose children have been struggling emotionally or academically, this time of year can bring a sense of dread or anxiety. 

The pressure to "fix" things before school starts can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that the return to school is not just about academic success—it’s about emotional resilience, connection, and growth.

As a Gestalt psychotherapist, I’ve worked with many families whose children have faced significant challenges—whether due to anxiety, trauma, social struggles, or learning difficulties. In this blog, I’ll share some insights on how to approach the return to school when things haven’t been going well for your child, focusing on managing anxiety, setting realistic expectations and navigating the complex emotions that arise during this transitional period. I’ll also weave in principles from polyvagal theory, a framework that can help us understand how the nervous system impacts emotional responses and behaviours.

1. Acknowledge Your Child’s Anxiety and Emotional State

Before jumping into solutions or strategies, take a step back and feel into your child’s experience. Children, especially those who have been struggling, are often in a heightened state of emotional arousal. This can manifest as anxiety, irritability, withdrawal, or even physical symptoms like stomach-aches or headaches.

Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps us understand that when we or our children feel unsafe, our nervous system activates in a way that can make it difficult to think clearly, connect with others, or regulate emotions. The "fight, flight, or freeze" responses are rooted in the vagus nerve, which governs our physiological reactions to stress. When children are in a state of high arousal, their ability to process information or engage with the world is compromised.

As a parent, your first step is to create a sense of safety. This might mean taking the pressure off your child to "perform" or to immediately “fix” their emotional state. Instead, prioritize emotional safety by acknowledging their feelings. Simple statements like, "I see that you're feeling really nervous about going back to school," or "It makes sense that you're feeling upset after everything that’s happened," can help your child feel seen and understood. This doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect, but it does create the foundation for a trusting, compassionate connection.

2. Manage Expectations—For Yourself and Your Child

As parents, we often place high expectations on our children. We want them to succeed, to be resilient and to "get back on track." However, when a child has been struggling emotionally or socially, these expectations can unintentionally add to their anxiety.

It’s essential to assess your expectations and align them with the reality of where your child is emotionally. A return to school, especially after a tough period, may not mean an immediate return to normalcy. There may be setbacks, difficult days, or moments of overwhelm. And that’s okay.

Polyvagal theory teaches us that the body’s physiological state impacts how we interact with the world. If your child’s nervous system is stuck in a heightened state of stress, no amount of academic pressure or success will feel fulfilling or safe. Instead of focusing on grades or "getting ahead," it may be more helpful to set small, manageable goals—like getting through the first few days with a sense of safety or re-establishing a daily routine.

Additionally, give yourself permission to manage your own expectations. As a parent, you might feel the weight of your child’s struggles, but it’s important to understand that you’re not in control of everything. You’re doing your best to guide them through a challenging time, but this is a process and there will be moments of uncertainty.

3. Foster Emotional Regulation: The Role of Connection and Co-Regulation

When children are emotionally dysregulated, it can be incredibly challenging to connect with them in meaningful ways. They may act out, withdraw, or be unable to communicate how they feel. This is where the concept of co-regulation comes into play.

Co-regulation is the process by which we, as adults, help children regulate their emotional states by providing calm, steady presence and responding with empathy. Polyvagal theory emphasizes the importance of safe, supportive relationships in helping children move from a state of "defence" (fight, flight, freeze) to a state of safety and connection. This can be as simple as offering a hug, sitting quietly together, or even just being present without pushing for conversation or solutions.

A child’s nervous system is highly attuned to the emotional states of those around them, especially their primary caregivers. If you, as a parent, can remain grounded and calm (even if only on the outside), it can help your child feel safer and more regulated. This doesn’t mean you need to be perfect or constantly happy; it just means showing up authentically and offering consistent emotional support, even when you’re feeling uncertain yourself.

4. Practice Patience and Self-Compassion

Returning to school may not be a smooth ride and there may be bumps along the way. Your child may have difficult days where they struggle to get out of bed or feel overwhelmed by the school environment. They may need extra time, space, or support to adjust.

As a parent, this can be incredibly frustrating. But practicing patience and compassion—for both your child and yourself—can make all the difference. Remember that setbacks are a natural part of the process.

Polyvagal theory reminds us that the body’s physiological state impacts emotional processing, so when children are struggling, we can’t expect them to “just get over it” or "push through" on their own. They need time to recalibrate, and they need your support to do so. Be gentle with them and with yourself, knowing that you’re both navigating a complex, ever-evolving journey.

5. Seek Professional Support When Needed

If your child’s anxiety, emotional struggles, or behaviour seem to persist or worsen as the school year progresses, it may be helpful to seek professional support. A therapist who is well-versed in working with children and families can help your child understand and navigate emotions, improve communication and build stronger emotional literacy and resilience.

Polyvagal-informed therapies, including somatic and trauma-focused approaches, can also be invaluable in helping children regulate their nervous systems and feel more grounded. If your child is struggling with more severe anxiety or trauma, a qualified therapist can provide tailored support to help them move through these challenges in a safe and healing way.

Navigating the return to school when your child has been struggling emotionally is no easy task. However, by managing expectations, fostering emotional regulation through connection, practicing patience, and seeking support, when necessary, you can help your child feel more secure and prepared for the challenges ahead. Your presence, empathy, and understanding will go a long way in guiding them through this transition. 

If you’re finding it difficult to navigate these challenges alone, consider reaching out to Amanda from Pella Wellness who can help guide you and your child through this time with compassion and care.